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I've recently been elected "premiere bitcj boy of the world". Unsure how to Feel about this development

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They call me Dry Jack, on account of my sense of humor. And also because of all the unlubed meat beating I do

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Yanking on my dick like I'm trying to start a lawnmower, causing my asscheeks to sputter and then start clapping at 3500 cpm (claps per minute)

Elden ring mechanics ramble 

Another neat thing about margit: the way he fights depends entirely on how you try to fight him

Engaging him in melee will lead to him doing a lot of his moves that create distance and force you to think about your attacks before you make them

Try to stay at range and he will get in your face every time you try to snipe him

So the best way to get the most opportunities to attack him is mix it up; his biggest openings are right after his knife-throw-while-gliding-away attack and his staff/hammer distance closers

I know this is long winded haha but I've beat him with 6 different characters in the past 2ish weeks that were all with me actually fighting him at level 20ish which is around what most people will be when they first run into him and I just think he's really well designed and represents some of the better decisions fromsoft made with this game as a whole

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Elden ring mechanics ramble 

The reason I made the souls to sekiro/bloodborne comparison here is that, with a handful of Very Notable exceptions, bosses in the main souls series throw attacks that hit hard but leave big windows for punishes once the attack finishes on almost every single attack, whereas, at least in sekiro I can say from experience, you have to learn Exactly what attacks a boss can throw out of their number of combos that are even worth attempting to punish after

Margit, as the first real boss most new players will encounter, actually does a great job of teaching the player to be patient

Granted it took me this long to realize cause on most of my runs thru the game so far I normally wait to fight him until I'm so overlevelled and well equipped that I can just stomp his ass so I'm only learning now that I'm doing challenge runs lmao

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Elden ring mechanics ramble 

Realized something while beating Margit on my most recent playthrough I wanted to jot down because he became a breeze the moment I did

The weirdness of his combos is meant to teach new players, and reinforce for players that are more used to souls boss fights than sekiro or bloodborne style ones, that not every attack from a boss will have an opening for retaliation from the player

He has one combo that I'd been viewing as a kinda bullshit roll catch (the one where he opens with a side slash from the staff then immediately follows up with two swipes from the light sword and finishes with a downward thrust all in the span of about 2 seconds). The thing is though, he actually only throws it when you try to punish attacks that don't leave enough time for you to make distance after attacking

On my most recent run I literally only threw punishes after he did the big slam attacks or the double spin swipe, and as a result, he never threw that combo

I'm actually the reason for that dudes small nuts. I stole their girth and added it to my own by accident when I catastrophically failed at trying to cure my

Statistically, most people don't post. Therefore it is mathematically impossible to have a normal one while posting. Much to consider here

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I have nevwr had a "normal one" and I don't plan on starting now

This small rant brought to you by my experience with 95% of my cishet friends at some point in their lives so far paying dipshits to tell them to clean their rooms, think positively, and Focus on the Grind. Live laugh love am I right?

Suck my dick from the back

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This also applies to people who don't mainly do self help books but have written one, and people that don't consider themselves Self Help Authors but nonetheless Are

I personally would like to kick your dicks so hard they switch places with your asses, and am willing to pay to do so

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I would pay 5 bucks a piece to kick every self help book author in the nuts personally. This has nothing to do with anything, it would just be a very fulfilling experience for me

Looking to get my nuts obliterated this weekend, can anyone suggest some furniture to sit in for the optimal ball annihilation

Getting The Surgery (my dick and balls rotated in opposite 45 degree angles)

I lost one ass cheek to the Bermuda triangle and now I have to wear a prosthetic wooden ass cheek like a pirate captains peg leg, but for my ass

Me and my partner saw you from across the bar, and we fuckin hate your vibe. Meet us in the parking lot for an ass kicking

Terran horribleness, misinfo, lewd? 

OOO WEE OOO I LOOK JUST LIKE BUDDY HOLLY

This may sound like a very common type of guy but this guy is the variant that just actually admits he's horny for the stylized violence and doesn't care about Theme's

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Type of guy who's favorite movie is fight club but only because he likes watching pretty men beat the shit out of each other. It's explicitly a horny thing

Ec 

I think I really like how I look in these glasses actually

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