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[Me, a pilot]: *smacking my metric altimeter* "show feet"

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I guess yuo could say my wife amd I have a "decentralized relationship".. .

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[Me, on OKCupid]: "hey ,cutie how long u lived in NY?"

[LadyLiberty69]: "I've been in the harbor since 1885..."

[Me]: "O cool, you've got really big feet lol, great for crushimg..."

[LadyLiberty]: *no response*


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fuck this asshole for eternity, he was part of a Tory uni group that had 'Hang Nelson Mandela' posters

he may have been funny as speaker, but he is a fucking monster and his wife is a shithead

come to think of it, he fits Starmer's Labour perfectly

In the 1970's a Japanese graphic designer developed a technique for growing square watermelons--one of these melons would subsequently grow legs and a torso, and then developed a crude form of self-consciousness. That melon's name? Dan Bongino.

Every dude has had that experience where someone else, maybe a friend or even a random person, swings their arm while walking maybe a little too much, and accidentally touches the tip of your hog. And then you both make eye contact, and realize you're tip brohs for life...

Yuore gonna make me say my emotional sipport word if you don't shut tge fukc up...

I know it's summer time cuz I'm getting that thing where if I stand up too fast or look up, I get lightheaded and feel faint. Cannot figure out why this happens every year

This has happened the last four times and I acquiesced because I felt bad. Four chances, four fuckups. Can't do it again.

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i know i've asked for help a lot, but i just got Another rejection from a job because i don't have sales specifically in my resume

i really need to pay our storage unit in CO, it's $100

if we don't pay on time, they can essentially toss all our shit in the garbage and we will lose our bed, our dishes and several sentimental items

please help if you can


cashapp: $muttmusk

venmo: muttmusk


I went to the barbers and there's the one haircutter who repeatedly fucked up my hair. He's the only one available right now, and so he invited me to his chair, but I had to be like "no, I'm gonna wait for someone else." Super awkward

I got Saint Rows III for the Switch yesterday. I always heard it was kind of like an open world GTA game, so I was excited, but so far it's more of a shoot 'em up thing? Not sure how I feel

A lot of poeple don't realize tbis but big bird is actually a real life reproductoin of what a young t-rex looked like

Go out there today and get one penny.

Tomorrow, go out and get 2 pennies.

The next day, get 4.

Then get 8.

By the end of the month, you're a multimillionaire.

You're welcome.

please consider supporting my kickstarter campaign to produce the world's first coat of ass

Mario the Plumber: The Unbelievable Story of a Weird Little Guy

:bing:​ why does my dad's new wife keep getting her head stuck in the washing machine?

christians really be calling themselves crusaders and then wonder why no one likes em lol

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