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I guess yuo could say my wife amd I have a "decentralized relationship".. .

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[Me, on OKCupid]: "hey ,cutie how long u lived in NY?"

[LadyLiberty69]: "I've been in the harbor since 1885..."

[Me]: "O cool, you've got really big feet lol, great for crushimg..."

[LadyLiberty]: *no response*

[Me, 2 days later]: "OH TOO GOOD TO REAPOND UR NOT EVEN HOT U BIG GREEN BITCJ UR COVERED IN PATINA!!"

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I have declared my wife's dictatorship dissolved--she responds by driving a tank through the living room wall. Knowing my offspring is watching, I hop atop the tank and begin to orate. They are enthralled by their brave father. I have defeated her coup attempt

Green day, sounds like my doo doo when my wife cooks asparagus!!!

There needs to be more crossover between food shows and porn is what I'm sayin

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I've been snatching max before he hides from me and bringing him into my room and playing for a bit. So he understands that me coming home at 3pmish does not automatically equal going to the vet

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You walk past me with your supermodel girlfriend--you look me up and down, then snort at my slovenly appearance, chuckling at my propeller cap, plaid shorts, and mesh tank top. You reach for your phone, ready to snap a picture, but gasp when you hold up your screen and behold the image it contains: your beautiful girlfriend, cradled in my arms, suckling from my enormous pectoral muscle through the hole in my mesh shirt. She has chosen me. Move along, beta

Oh ur so tall that's too bad cuck *crouches into a ball, rolls between ur legs and off into the sunset*

Oh you're taller than me, that's cool, but can you do this *ducks under the turnstile to evade paying subway fare*

You could also simply slip into the same clothws they are in,, and control them from behind the corpse, just make sure your head is low and yuo are fully obscured from sihgt

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The best method of corpse disposal,, putt simply, is a complex network of marionette strings to make it look as if tge victim is still alive. Can't charge yuo if they don't know whwther or not theperson is dead

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